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After what seemed like fifteen minutes, she got up to get a measuring tape out of the side drawer. ‘Uh, oh, what’s that about?’ ‘I need to take measurements for your casket.’ ‘Just burn me and throw me into the sea.’ ‘Okay, come over here and hold these two handles!’ ‘Why?’ I blurted out. I felt like an old, grumpy, and ever angry man. I wanted to be smooth, friendly, and upbeat. ‘We have to measure your fat and water composition, so that I can order the right sized urn.’ What startles me is not the claustrophobic and asthma inducing act I’m about to consent to. What startles me is my utter emotional flat line, like nothing registers anymore. The needle on my emotional plotter has gone home and closed shop. So much did I have to bear in this lifetime: The boss that talked about new thrilling new opportunities only to shove me into a soul crushing task or out the door into the howling cold, the doctor that cut yet another piece off my flesh, the nurse that robbed me yet of another. He sat back in his chair and stared, scarcely able to take in what he was seeing. It was so different from the modern pictures. She was posed neither to conceal nor reveal; she simply was; he'd never seen anybody look more naked, more exposed. He felt strange - light headed almost - it was as if she was looking back at him and for a moment, he felt guilty, like the time he'd been caught peeping at the girl next door when she was sunbathing in the back garden. A hot flash of shame came over him at the memory.He couldn't understand it; the photograph had to be over a hundred years old but it looked really alive. Even though the image was in black and white, it was if he was there in the room. And the girl. Somehow he knew that she wasn't looking at the camera but rather the person behind it and it felt like that was him! It was kind of scary in a good sort of way; her eyes were wide and calm and there was a sort of light in them that made him think of the word 'joy'. He didn't feel.
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